What's Buried Underneath

Not really. More 201 built in steps, 241 actual steps. But at the bottom is one of the most private "secret spots" in Laguna Beach. I'm dying to take my friends there during the day. I've only been at night which amazing as it is, i'd like to see everything as it is. Just thought I'd share this with ya'll.
 

Everyone = Missing Conversations, Squared²

Spinning, Missing.

(I was dreaming when I wrote this forgive me if it goes astray)*

*Seriously.

I am thinking of all the people that I am not calling back, not keeping in touch with. People I just met, people I've known for years. People that want to be in touch and have big conversations or little simple questions. People that want to make things with me. People that I need to make things for, or send things to. Or both. All the ideas that I'm procrastinating​ on, too lazy for, too undisciplined for, not ready for.

I am thinking of all the people not calling me back. People that broke ties or forgot or don't like me or don't know. People that I want to have big conversations with or have little simple questions for. People that I want to make things with. All the opportunities that I dream of, that seem to elude me no matter how hard I try or how much energy I expend in pursuit of them.

To people or ideas that are missing me, I ask for your forgiveness.

To people or ideas that I am missing, I offer mine.

This is not as mopey as it may seem. It is mopey, to be sure, as many pre-dawn thoughts can be for me, but not so much mopacity, really. Just a rumination on all these ways of keeping in touch that are overloading me right now. High-class problems, as my friend that had (and beat) cancer reminded me, years ago. Now there is a person that I may never speak to again, but it won't be for missing or one person being in touch and the other failing to, for whatever reason. That is just two people meeting each other through shared circumstance, having a hello and spinning off into what comes next. I enjoy that. I enjoy when I can let go sweetly and be let go of sweetly, until the next time. It's not to remove choice and intention from it, it's to surrender and not take it personally. The problems come and are exacerbated when the imbalance gets going, nauseous see-saw of need and wonder. Let's be gentle with ourselves and each other, even (and especially) when we don't get what/who we want.

 Jessica, you are my dream girl. 
Look at her. Really, look at her... 

::melts::




...my destiny.

not everybody looks, makes me question my value. but on days like today, i'm reminded of the fact that the ones that look are the ones I'd want to be looking at me. 

walking back to my car with brit, I saw this very (very, very) cute girl walking past me with her guy friend, curious like a spark, I double took another look back and lo and behold, she looked back at me too.... she looked back at me too.

jinx